Battling With My Sexuality

The onset of your late 20’s brings along with it a cloud of judgments and insecurities that you thought you had nicely locked inside a box and kept aside, maybe to open someday when you are strong enough to deal with it all (hoping that the someday never actually arrives).

My 20’s started something like this — An oblivious girl trying to respect the rules of the society by keeping her thoughts, judgments and opinions to herself (she knew how fragile the society’s beliefs were) and passing along the little knowledge that she thought might help the society grow, only to be belittled every time. The beginning of this story sounds like the journey of every individual entering their 20’s — Questioning norms and rebelling against society, but this story has a little twist to it.

I was young confident and ready to take on the world in my 20’s. I was seeing women succeed in all aspects of life — work, home, family, and status — and I wanted it all! Just like everyone else I was part of a rat race I didn’t even know I had joined. With constantly growing expectations from parents, society, friends, teachers, and bosses I slowly realized that I was literally strolling in this race — with so much baggage on my shoulders the finish line was a mere dot for me. That was my tipping point. I was done.

I was constantly grilled about having only a few years to “live my life” until I hit my golden age for Indian mom’s — The age of marriage. It wasn’t a new concept for me, this was grilled into our little girl brains since we were 5. It wasn’t until my mid 20’s that this whole concept started to become scary for me. Not because I wasn’t ready to get married (which I clearly wasn’t) but because I was going through changes physically, emotionally and sexually that weren’t making any sense to me.

I was always a shy girl, but these changes had driven me to my cocoon. I think a part of me wasn’t ready to accept it myself (and I would love to blame our society for that) and love the changes that were currently taking place. I think a part of me just wanted to be “normal”. So like every 25–56 year old I would go to parties with my friends and drink away all my problems. But this time the drinking wasn’t helping. I started noticing my attraction towards women in these parties and I would only think to myself “Don’t get these thoughts! Think about something else, think about that cute boy checking you out! Think about anything else! You can’t just become a lesbian midway through your life” but my eyes were locked on the lady standing next to that cute boy with the bright red lipstick, smiling at me politely. All I could think of was walking over, holding her hand and leaning in to kiss her. But, just like every Indian woman from a conservative family, I dismissed that thought and walked away with my head hanging low.

These feelings went on strong for a couple of months and I would try my hardest to push them away from my head because “what will society think?”. I was at my lowest in terms of self-confidence and self-love. There were some days that I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror because I couldn’t recognize the girl staring back at me.

It took me a complete year and multiple drunk parties (my escape to numb my issues) for me to realize that I was still sexually attracted to men — a part of me was happy because that meant that there was still a part of me that was “normal”. I wasn’t ready to discuss this with my friends, I didn’t know if there would be any judgments or change in their perception of me. I most certainly thought of all the worst scenarios in my head like being shunned from my friends and family groups.

So I decided to educate myself on this — meet more people that were like me, talk to them about their experiences, learn about accepting this transformation. I was always a supporter of the LGBTQIA community, always stood up against the constant defamation the community has to go through. It took me sometime to realize that I was a hypocrite in a supporter’s uniform. It was easy to support them because I never deeply understood the problem that every individual in that community went through on a daily basis. I was now a part of this community with my own baggage and I began to understand the struggle.

Some wonderful people from the community helped me understand that I was bisexual (probably was for a while but always found a way to close that part of me) and helped me grow into this beautiful woman I now pride myself to be, and I will be forever grateful to them for seeing the light in me that I couldn’t see myself. Something’s stayed very close to my heart during this process and I’m sharing it here in the hopes that someday I might help educate a lost person like me trying to find their path.

1. Your sexuality does not define you as a person. Your preference is yours only and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Make your own journey!

2. Your body doesn’t come with a pre-set sexuality button. Just because you were born straight doesn’t mean that there can’t be changes through the course of your life. Society puts preconceived notions in your head when you’re a child, which is why it gets so hard to accept your true self. Break these barriers, question everything, and don’t let society tell you who you were supposed to be!

3. There is nothing to be ashamed of! Your individuality comes from your uniqueness and even if the world doesn’t accept that, know that there are people who will whole heartedly welcome you in — much like how the LGBTQIA community opened their arms for me.

4. Acceptance is key! Know that the day you accept yourself, you will no longer need the validation from anyone else. It will also help you gain back all the confidence that you seemed to have lost in this process.

5. Talk to your friends! Unlike the thoughts in your head, your friends will turn out to be the biggest beacon of support. Reach out to them, open up about your journey.

I am in my late 20’s now and I have only just begun the journey of a proud bisexual woman. It took me all these years to gain my confidence, accept and love myself, but it’s never too late! I am at my happiest phase right now, always walking into a room with my head held high, beaming with confidence as a proud member of the LGBTQIA community.

Everyone has their own journey, and this was a glimpse of mine. Remember never to ashamed of who you are, you will be surprised how welcoming the world is the day you accept yourself! And if the world doesn’t, know that I will always support!